Ah, the glorious summer. Gaze in awe as the grey lifelessness of winter slips away to be replaced by the vibrant gorgeousness of the fairer months. Yes, if they were humans, summer would be upbeat, vibrant sister that is way out of your league and winter would be the older, more serious and bossier sibling that I would inevitably end up dating. But enough about my sad love life, we’ve got the most beautiful season of the year ahead of us!
Along with summer comes warmer swimming water, an influx of the color green and, of course, that dastardly do-gooder itself, the sun. While the sun is probably our greatest ally during the summer, as it brings the warmth that allows us to have such memorable times, it can also be our worst enemy. By “our” I’m of course talking about those of us who are fairer skinned, as the sun each summer will mercilessly singe our fair skin until it is redder than the devil himself. Wait a minute, is the devil red because he was fair skinned and got fire burnt in heck or was he always red? These are the questions that keep me up at night, people.
Anyways, no time for that nonsense. We have way more important things to discuss, like what happens when the sunburns start to get a little goofy. Sure, one solid sunburn across your pasty, probably Irish or British body might look… alright, considering, but what happens when you have a bunch of lines like you spilled some Twizzlers on your knee? Or some breadsticks on your knee? Or some… okay, sorry, I haven’t eaten lunch yet.
What I’m trying to say is that people these days are falling victim to their own fashion: ripped jeans. Yes, it seems the icons of rebellion (society wants your jeans to be intact, but you just don’t give a care, don’t you?) can cause some pretty embarrassing burn lines, at least according to these goofballs on Twitter.
Gaze upon what looks like raptor scratches but are actually something a lot less cooler—burns filtered through your ripped jeans.3
So, what do we do? How can we end this attack on our fashion? Sure, we could wear jeans that aren’t ripped, but then how will old man government know I don’t care very much about his rules? How can we stand up to the man, evil old Uncle Sam in meaningful ways?
I’ll skateboard anywhere I please officer and there’s nothing your dumb blue butt can do about it, pig! I don’t care that there’s a “no skateboarding” sig. Have you seen my jeans? They’re clearly ripped when society deems they should be otherwise, preferably intact or not ripped at all!
No, that would be too much to ask. So, the question remains, how do we keep our rebellious jeans on without the pain of the sun’s fiery touch burning our pasty, cream-like knees? We could always use sunscreen, probably something up there in the SPF 600s or 6000s or something.
But then again, sunscreen smells weird and it would totally throw off my game at the beach (Okay Jake, THAT’S what’s throwing off your game. And why are you wearing jeans to the beach?) so I guess we can’t go with that. Shorts maybe? That would at least make the sunburn uniform.
Then again… again, my legs always look so cottage cheesy in shorts, so that’s out. There are a lot of “fashionable” options out there for the people who wish to avoid sunburns, but those are mostly ridiculous. Well, folks, it looks like we’ll have to deal with sunburns this summer! No getting around it, I’m afraid.
Listen, take what I have said in any way you wish, but remember this above all: If you pizza when you’re supposed to french fry, you’re gonna have a bad time. Or wait, if you wear ripped jeans in the sun without sunscreen, you’re gonna have a bad time. Psh, silly me, I always get those two mixed up!