1. Common starfish
– A standard starfish. The starfish you think of when you think of starfishes.
– Would look good hot glued to a picture frame in your aunt’s bathroom.
– Kind of forgettable, the Ann Veal of starfish.
– GRADE: B
2. Necklace starfish
– A fancy, fun starfish. A starfish that shops at Chico’s.
– Textured and brightly colored, not unlike vomit after eating too much spicy salsa.
– Probably drives a Jeep Wrangler.
– GRADE: B+
3. Blue star
– Blue boy. So trendy.
– Would sell you loose cigarettes behind the 7-Eleven.
– Redefines starfish aesthetic while maintaining definite starfishiness.
4. Crown-of-thorns starfish
Jon Hanson / Via en.wikipedia.org
– A starfish that would make out with your boyfriend at prom.
– Beautiful, but so mean. Like an older sister.
– WHY CAN’T I JUST COME TO YOUR PARTY, LIZ?
– GRADE: B-
5. Biscuit star
– A starfish drawn from a child’s crayon.
– A trustworthy starfish, a starfish you’d lend $1,500 to.
– Just the right amount of whimsy; whimsically proficient.
6. Cushion star
– A bold refusal of starfish ideals.
– Absolutely challenges starfish critics; a starfish that will be studied in art schools for years to come.
– Looks a little like a spoiled tomato but still cool.
– GRADE: A-
7. Giant spined sea star
– THIS is what I’m talking about, baby!!!!!
– Respect to the starfish form with clear innovation. A starfish that GETS IT.
– Part alien, part terrestrial, all perfect. Will it massage your feet? Maybe!
8. Red-knobbed starfish
– A sturdy starfish. Dependable, like a meatloaf.
– Not afraid to let her hair down on the weekends.
– But maybe…pandering? To the starfish lobbyists? Hard to say.
– GRADE: B+
9. Common sunstar
– A verifiable butt hole. A detached anus.
– No one ordered this, please send it back to the kitchen.
– I am itchy.
– Grade: C
10. Southern sand star
– Hahaha, why am I scared.
– A starfish you could buy at Hot Topic.
– Good chance this starfish is made of a witch’s finger bones and dark magic.
– Grade: C+
11. Nine-armed Sea Star
– Simultaneously doing too much and too little.
– The tribal tattoo of starfish.
– Definitely takes his dates to Applebee’s.
– GRADE: D+
12. Royal Sea Star